QuoteReplyTopic: Outside Myself Posted: 04 Jul 2008 at 10:09am
I live outside myself.
How do people see me? Am I good enough? Is everyone happy? Am I relevant? How exhausting to always have my antenna tuned to everyone else, including the local grocery clerk. (Did I smile at her correctly? Was I NICE enough?)
Recently, I was faced with a (still) angry email from an old flame sending me spiraling downward. We ran into each other at a mutual friend's wedding and everything came back with a fiery vengeance. As I read this surprise email attack, I was faced with the old messages that I'm not good enough, a failure at relationships, and don't deserve true happiness. I heard myself saying, "I am a fake." This man "knew me when" I was still climbing up from the depths of a divorce and blandly in my mid-30s. I was still clumsy like a newborn foal, didn't know that I didn't know myself, hadn't yet faced being an orphan, the transition from child to matriarch, head of the family, child leaving the nest, career changes, and all that was to come.
Now, more than a decade later, I'm a century wiser, would never choose this man now, and yet I'm faced with his righteous judgment based on HIS VERSION of a woman I am no longer. Yet, he's still allowed access into protected spaces, poking at my sleeping inner critic and my reaction is to question myself.
But, wisdom is like the earth beneath my feet. Last night, I sat with this inner monster and we talked about the journey from there to here. I realized that I'm being tested. I've said I'm stronger (how much stronger?), wiser (can you stand up to this?), more solid (what if the ground shakes beneath me?). Is it the truth? Prove it. More testing to come, I'm sure. (Bring it on!)
As I write this I know that I must always stand up for myself. I can no longer afford to allow that which is outside myself to embody my guiding principles. My lessons over the last 10+ years have centered around going within, asking myself, protecting my preciousness, knowing my own truth.
I don't have to be agreeable, I like how I think. I don't want to be like everyone else, I admire my uniqueness. I don't care if someone from my past doesn't approve of my chosen path, they don't have to walk it. I ask myself what is important to me now? I answer: stubbornness, humility, wisdom, wonderment, self-reliance, determination, self-protection, understanding, yielding without sacrificing.
One day soon, I won't have to *write* this in order to *be* this. Soon it will be at my deepest core.
Wow -- thank you for this, couldn't be more timely for me.
I am having a difficult time with how anger plays out in my own relationship: and all the lessons about me it offers. Your post really was nectar for the soul this evening. While it is likely true that my sweetheart could probably benefit from some wider choices in how his anger manifests (as he is triggered to huge anger easily and without warning), for me it illustrates both the terrified kid inside who learned that angry adults are violent, as well as the auto-pilot "skills" I have learned early which allow me to skillfully placate and distract and manage the other person while my own voice is censored and my real well being is not really taken care of. And, my own anger, which is driven under ground.
Your post really helped me to see how this challenge is grist for my own mill, especially in honoring my safety and well being in newer and more healthy ways, such as to choose not to be in a situation with someone who has tantrums, and to have the courage to speak my own truth instead of using old coping skills that are based on fear.
It's funny to me how I am so up front in many areas of my life but there is always something, and this layer is so deep and so personal..... so, thanks!
I've learned over the years that you can't make everyone happy all the time. Especially when it comes to your immediate family-spouse and kids-if you are sure to take the necessary time to see that your emotional needs are met, typically you can be continue being the support beam for them as well. At some point in your life (I believe) it's important to realize "this is who I am". Not everyone is going to like who you are which is fine-they simply aren't meant to be a part of your life. We all make mistakes along the way and for this "old flame" to carry this much bitterness about the past around for so long really should just enforce to you that he wasn't going to be a healthy match for you as you continued on in life. You're a much healthier person because you've been able to move past that stage in your life. I like to think that in a case like this I would say "I'm sorry that I hurt you and that you've carried this burden around for so long."
Mastery is also a great way to improve your self esteem. What are you an expert on? What do you do or know better than anyone you know? And of course, a deep love for yourself, no matter what, is the best rememedy to a healthy self esteem
How do people see me? Am I good enough? Is everyone happy? Am I relevant? How exhausting to always have my antenna tuned to everyone else, including the local grocery clerk. (Did I smile at her correctly? Was I NICE enough?)
I don't have to be agreeable, I like how I think. I don't want to be like everyone else, I admire my uniqueness.
I really like this and can identify with it, but on a slightly different level. I struggle with friendships, just plain friendships. I don't have a problem meeting people, but seem to have trouble keeping them in my life. This has been the case for as long as I can remember.
Most recently it has shown itself in the helping of a neighbor. A couple of "ladies" wanted to get this neighbor, whose husband is very ill, a spa package. I didn't think it was appropriate. I sent a return email suggesting lawn care service for this family for the summer, not mentioning my thoughts that if my husband were dying getting a mani and pedi would be the last thing I would be worried about. But just suggesting offering the family some relief so they could spend time together. Basically I was handed my hiney to me on a platter. A platter that was then sent to the entire neighborhood.
At first I was extremely hurt and upset. I couldn't believe someone could be so cruel. Then I had just accepted it. Like I always do when people "dis" me or my ideas. After the tears dried, I forced myself to take a step back and look at why this email was sent. This was not my problem, this was a deeper issue that my neighbor has.
So I really like this quote < don't have to be agreeable, I like how I think. I don't want to be like everyone else, I admire my uniqueness. > I don't have to be like everyone else. I DO like my ideas and I don't have to be agreeable. I only have to be civil.
We as women are too hard on ourselves. We are raised to always please. It is hard to overcome when you are not given the same courtesies.
I would have been with you on this one. I think a 'relaxing' gift is a nice gesture, but offering some relief is something that people in that situation will remember for a lifetime. I was part of a MOMS Club a few years back and one of the things I loved most was the meal support they provided for moms with new babies. We would organize 6-7 meals to help offer some relief so the family could focus on their newborn (and some rest). My friends suprised me one year by providing some meal support when my son had sugery....it was completely unexpected and I will forever appreciate the thoughtfulness.
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